No one likes being criticised or rejected, but some of us are more sensitive to the perception of social disapproval or failure. Here’s how rejection sensitivity can trap us in a vicious cycle, and some tips for how to escape it.
Criticism and rejection always hurt, but some of us feel that hurt far more than others. Rejection sensitivity, often associated with social anxiety, ADHD, and autism, is when we anticipate or perceive social failure or disapproval from others to an extreme amount. This can be experienced as intense emotional or physical pain, like a punch to the chest or gut. Even neutral events, like someone not replying to a text straightaway, can provoke these feelings.
Rejection sensitivity can lead to an increased tendency to “people-please”, to perfect one’s behaviour, or to withdraw from others. You may also find yourself becoming defensive or lashing out in response to criticism.
Rejection sensitivity can also make us more attentive to our own internal processes. In a social situation, you might find yourself focussing so much on your internal headspace that you struggle to engage with others in a meaningful sense.
This increase in self-focussed attention can create a vicious cycle where you become even more fearful of the reactions or perceptions of others, and thus more sensitive. It may even become a self-fulfilling prophecy when your greater internal focus or sensitivity impacts on the relationship in a significant way (e.g., your friend thinks you’re not invested in the relationship or that they can’t raise important topics with you).
Uncertainty is also rife in the digital age, and digital fatigue can play a part in intensifying stress. Many people across different generations describe feeling overstimulated and out of control. These feelings can lead us to isolate further, thus reducing our ability to form and maintain friendships. This is important to address, since loneliness has been shown to have significant impacts on both our mental and physical health.
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Tips for coping with rejection sensitivity: 1. Be kind to yourself. Feelings are feelings, and you can’t usually out-argue them. Your reactions might be rooted in early experiences of rejection or invalidation. Practise treating yourself compassionately–this feeling is real, and it’s painful. 2. Recognise what might be triggering or driving your feelings of rejection sensitivity. What kinds of situations bring out these feelings? What does your mind try to tell you about different social cues? 3. Working with a therapist can be hugely beneficial in unpacking the different stories your mind might be telling you, building self-esteem and self-confidence, learning strategies to calm your mind and body, and cultivating radical self-acceptance of yourself and healthy self-talk. |
